Saturday, November 23, 2013

Average Christmas shopping

Yes, I know. It's not even Thanksgiving, yet. Why are you posting about Christmas shopping? Because Christmas shopping in December is panicked, stressful, and crowded. That's why.

Anyway, last weekend I finished my Christmas shopping. That's right; I'm that good. Even though I was shopping for Christmas gifts early, there were still tons of people in the stores. It was like everyone had my idea, but almost everyone had their kids with them. I thought this was strange, then I realized, they didn't have my idea - they were pre-Christmas shopping.

This is literally the stupidest idea any parent has ever had. These parents were leisurely walking through the toy department with their kids (while I, cool, determined, and, of course, prepared, knew exactly what I was looking for and had to struggle getting around their leisurely asses) asking them to point out things that they wanted. Now, try to imagine that you are one of these kids:

My parents are letting me explore the toy section. They never let me do this. They're telling me to pick stuff out?! I'm getting a new toy today!? AWESOME!

Oh, you poor, unfortunate soul (cue Little Mermaid music). They're only trying to get an idea of what to get you for Christmas; no treats for you today. This obviously (and rightly so) did not compute with the kids. One in particular threw himself on the floor and wailed that he wanted the toy "right nooooow" while his parents frantically hushed him and told him that they just wanted to make sure that they told Santa the right toy to get him. I sat there, thinking, he's not going to buy that. HE BOUGHT IT. He got up, wiped the snot off his face and walked out of the store with his liars for parents.

This brings me to another point: kids are stupid. We take them to stores where you can obviously buy the toys that you want, but then tell them that every Christmas, a big, fat guy brings them the exact presents that they wanted. Hell, in this case, this kid's parents showed him the toy that he is going to be getting for Christmas and then convinced him that they were Santa's personal shoppers when he tried to catch on. Any person in their right mind would see right through this bullshit, but not kids. Kids will believe anything. I once made my kid believe that our asshole tortoise was really a Ninja Turtle on vacation.

I made the decision to not create the Santa Claus illusion for my son mostly because I want the credit for the hours, people shoving, and sitting in traffic it took to get him all these badass toys.

Which goes to say, my Christmas shopping adventure was successful. My kid's going to love me in a month. Me, not some fat guy.


The Average Person

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


I'm ashamed of how long it's been since I posted, but in my defense, I was sick. Like, really sick. Like, my liver started failing sick.

You know those symptoms of minor illnesses that "one in 192121998789 people" get? Yeah, I'm that person. Always.

Anyway, I'm better now! So, I'll post more.

Things currently on my mind:

I want a dog. SO BAD, IT'S RIDICULOUS. I'm on Petfinder every day just pining for that perfect pup. I want a shelter dog, but really, I want a pound puppy. Not actually a puppy because I don't have the time for another baby, but I'd love to rescue an awesome dog that deserves another chance.

Candles. I don't know what it is about cold weather, but I must have at least three candles lit at all times or I will die. Not really, but you get the idea. I'm obsessed. Right now, I have 6 going. Too much? Nahhhhhh.

I'm really tired of people here in Texas complaining about how "cold" it is. It's 50 degrees! That's really not that cold. Stop it.

Now, wasn't that an exciting read?? I promise I'll post something more interesting once I get back into my groove.


The Average Person