In the Average Kitchen

 

 

You always see blogs that have these beautiful, elaborate, "easy peasy" meals that their writers create for their readers, but what about the epic failures in the kitchen? You never see those. I want to see more kitchen goof-ups. I mean, total bombs that make you fake a smile for your family while you eat it and your kid gags it up before the end of the meal. That is the picture I want to create here.

 

I made a bomb of a meal last night. I'm a woman, not superwoman. I'm also a mom, and though my son may call me "Batmom," I'm no superhero. That being said, I have no time to screw around in the kitchen and all my meals are either easy, ugly and edible, or total goofs that no one will touch. 

This particular piece-of-shit recipe was a new one. I've never cooked with Spaghetti Squash before, so I thought, hey, I'll give this a shot. The recipe only had 5 ingredients, so there's no fucking that up, right? Wrong. Total failure. 

First, it started out with this mess. You poke holes in the squash and bake it for something like an hour. Then, you cut it open, scoop out the seeds and "easily scrape the insides out with a fork."

 

It got a little ridiculous.

Bullshit. It took a fork, a spoon and a fucking knife to get this shit out. At this point, my son looked at it and said, "What's that?" in a very, "there's no way I'm eating that" tone of voice. In the end, I finally got the squash's guts out and decided that I didn't cook it long enough. 

Next, all you had to do was melt butter in a sauce pan, add garlic, basil and the spaghetti squash.

How delicious....not.

If by the second step you can see how terrible a meal is going to be, common sense says, "just stop." But, obviously, I have little to no common sense. 

 

This doesn't look very appetizing. Let me taste it...yeah, not very appetizing. Whatever, I'll serve it anyway.

And I did. To horrible reviews. I think the exact words my son used were "yuck" and "disgusting." 

Then, the last step of the recipe is to look at your empty plate after you forced down the terrible meal as a good example for your child and realize....you forgot to add the most important ingredient.

So...wait, this meal MIGHT have actually been delicious??

Well, shit.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

The Average Person

The Average Resolutions

WHOA, the new year got here fast. Amiright? Although I'm actually facing some pretty huge changes in 2014 (i.e. a semi cross country move), I'm not going to make any promises of new beginnings or any of that shit.

Instead, here is my little list resolutions, if you care to know:

I'll be 25 this next year and I feel like it's a good time to start taking care of myself.
Since I already run frequently, I need to focus on what I'm putting into this hot bod.

So....
 

1. No more soda

2. No more red meat

3. More veggies

 

THE end.

Happy New Year, followers :) Do some living this year.

 

Sincerely,

The Average Person

Ketchup

Cute title, right? But, for real, let's catch up.

First, I want to brag on my mad skills. 

This is my hurricane son's bedroom about 30 minutes ago.

This is my son's room NOW.

I even made a redhead materialize.

Who's the boss? I'M the boss. That's a work of art right there.

Back to business, I recently took a couple of kidless road trips and I remembered that they actually aren't torturous trips designed by the devil. I delighted in the fact that I could drive all 5 hours without stopping to pee once and that I could buy snacks and didn't have to share with anyone. 

The first trip I took, I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert. I went with one of my dearest friends and had an absolute blast. We stayed in a HOTEL. I felt like the Queen of the world; my bed had FOUR pillows on it. Heaven, obviously. Aside from the absolutely incredible performance by JT (if you haven't seen him live yet, bucket list that shit NOW), the most notable part of the trip was when my friend's gay intuition took us to dinner in one of the gay strips of Dallas. 

So, we arrived at the hotel room and immediately lounged on our beds and talked about what to eat for dinner. My friend looked at surrounding places to eat on his phone and mentioned an Italian place close by that looked tasty and cheap. Those are my two favorite adjectives when describing food, so of course I jumped on board. We got ready to go and when we arrived in the neighborhood, I immediately sensed something different. For one, the only people I saw on the street were men. Two, one or more of the shops we passed displayed more risqué clothing than I've seen in other neighborhoods. But, what definitely sealed it for me was the framed pictures of drag queens and a poster for The Bridegroom in the Italian restaurant. I looked at my friend and we both realized what had happened. It was awesome. There was even an amazing, two story gay bar across the street that, of course, we went to after eating pizza slices the size of our faces. In short, that trip was awesome.

He sings to my SOUL

My next trip was this past weekend to see an old friend graduate from college. This trip was so nice and so much fun. My friend lives in an insanely small town and I met some great new people. We drove around town, blaring Miley, giving no fucks, held hands at the mall, and danced to Katy Perry's Dark Horse at a local bar like nobody's business. It was a perfect, relaxing trip. 

On the way home, I stopped at Baby Head Cemetary because I'd been dying to ever since I passed it on my way to see Justin Timberlake.

It's exactly as creepy as it sounds. Apparently, a child in the 1850s was killed by Indians and its remains were left on the mountain near here - thus it was known as Baby Head Mountain. Later on, a community formed near the mountain and took the name Baby Head as well. I know, that got morbid fast, right?? I'm really into history and cemeteries always fascinate the fuck out of me. Anyway, the oldest grave in this cemetery was from the 1850s! So, obviously, I spent almost 45 minutes in this tiny graveyard. 

And now, we're caught up. I'm going to go drink a beer in celebration of my mad cleaning skills.

Sincerely,

The Average Person

Me + Christmas Music = No.

I had a great Thanksgiving; but, after the usual amount of family drama, exhausted and overstimulated toddlers, and fierce loathing of my family's city, I'm happy to be curled up in my bed, writing to you all.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it's socially acceptable to play Christmas music. Although, my sweet mother doesn't quite understand the whole "socially acceptable" thing and forced me to listen to her favorite CDs on the 4 hour ride to see our family the day before Thanksgiving. If there's anything you should learn from reading this blog, it's that I hate Christmas music. Of course, I'm not a total Scrooge, but I literally enjoy about 5 Christmas songs and there are literally 800,000 of them, with more being written each year! Why don't I like Christmas music? I can't really tell you. Maybe it's because there are 500 versions of all 800,000 songs and every public place you enter in December seems to be playing the exact same loop of them. Or maybe it's because songs like Santa, Baby and I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus exist. I mean, really. One is about flirting with an old, fat guy to get nice shit and the other depicts a potentially ruined marriage. WTF, Christmas? Obviously, there are a number of reasons why I hate Christmas music.

One of the albums I was lovingly forced to be exposed to was Michael Buble's Christmas.

Even he looks uncomfortable with his rendition of Santa, Baby.

 

This album is at least 2 hours long. It's like Michael Buble decided that he was going to sing every Christmas song ever written, which, as I said earlier, is a lot. Congratulations, Michael Buble. Your Christmas masterpiece is longer than a book on tape. Wait, do they even call them that any more? Whatever.

All that being said, Fate thought it'd be super hilarious to bless me with a child who loves Christmas music. Of course.

Sincerely,

The Average Person

Average Christmas shopping

Yes, I know. It's not even Thanksgiving, yet. Why are you posting about Christmas shopping? Because Christmas shopping in December is panicked, stressful, and crowded. That's why.

Anyway, last weekend I finished my Christmas shopping. That's right; I'm that good. Even though I was shopping for Christmas gifts early, there were still tons of people in the stores. It was like everyone had my idea, but almost everyone had their kids with them. I thought this was strange, then I realized, they didn't have my idea - they were pre-Christmas shopping.

This is literally the stupidest idea any parent has ever had. These parents were leisurely walking through the toy department with their kids (while I, cool, determined, and, of course, prepared, knew exactly what I was looking for and had to struggle getting around their leisurely asses) asking them to point out things that they wanted. Now, try to imagine that you are one of these kids:

My parents are letting me explore the toy section. They never let me do this. They're telling me to pick stuff out?! I'm getting a new toy today!? AWESOME!

Oh, you poor, unfortunate soul (cue Little Mermaid music). They're only trying to get an idea of what to get you for Christmas; no treats for you today. This obviously (and rightly so) did not compute with the kids. One in particular threw himself on the floor and wailed that he wanted the toy "right nooooow" while his parents frantically hushed him and told him that they just wanted to make sure that they told Santa the right toy to get him. I sat there, thinking, he's not going to buy that. HE BOUGHT IT. He got up, wiped the snot off his face and walked out of the store with his liars for parents.

This brings me to another point: kids are stupid. We take them to stores where you can obviously buy the toys that you want, but then tell them that every Christmas, a big, fat guy brings them the exact presents that they wanted. Hell, in this case, this kid's parents showed him the toy that he is going to be getting for Christmas and then convinced him that they were Santa's personal shoppers when he tried to catch on. Any person in their right mind would see right through this bullshit, but not kids. Kids will believe anything. I once made my kid believe that our asshole tortoise was really a Ninja Turtle on vacation.

I made the decision to not create the Santa Claus illusion for my son mostly because I want the credit for the hours, people shoving, and sitting in traffic it took to get him all these badass toys.

Which goes to say, my Christmas shopping adventure was successful. My kid's going to love me in a month. Me, not some fat guy.


Sincerely,


The Average Person

Alive!

I'm ashamed of how long it's been since I posted, but in my defense, I was sick. Like, really sick. Like, my liver started failing sick.

You know those symptoms of minor illnesses that "one in 192121998789 people" get? Yeah, I'm that person. Always.

Anyway, I'm better now! So, I'll post more.

Things currently on my mind:

I want a dog. SO BAD, IT'S RIDICULOUS. I'm on Petfinder every day just pining for that perfect pup. I want a shelter dog, but really, I want a pound puppy. Not actually a puppy because I don't have the time for another baby, but I'd love to rescue an awesome dog that deserves another chance.

Candles. I don't know what it is about cold weather, but I must have at least three candles lit at all times or I will die. Not really, but you get the idea. I'm obsessed. Right now, I have 6 going. Too much? Nahhhhhh.

I'm really tired of people here in Texas complaining about how "cold" it is. It's 50 degrees! That's really not that cold. Stop it.



Now, wasn't that an exciting read?? I promise I'll post something more interesting once I get back into my groove.


Sincerely,

The Average Person

The Average Dental Appointment

I'm not huge on going to the dentist. I've never had a cavity and I take good-ish care of my teeth. Well, beginning two years ago, I began going to the dentist regularly. I have many reasons for disliking the dentist's office, one of which is that there is no way that I can engage in small talk with someone's hands in my mouth. I just can't do it. But, really, I hate going to the dentist because my dentist is obsessed with me getting this toothbrush:


The Philips Fucking Sonicare Toothbrush



This is a $90 toothbrush! Ain't no way I'm paying that much for oral care. If you've gathered anything from reading my blog, it should be that I am a giant cheap-ass. Now, the dentist's reasoning is this: I have a permanent retainer behind my bottom front teeth that I've had since I had braces when I was a kid. His argument is that I am not able to clean in between my bottom teeth properly without this $100 toothbrush. And you know what? Maybe he's right. It's a pain in the ass to floss those teeth, so I don't. If the toothbrush wasn't $120, I would probably be all for it. BUT I'M NOT.

So, I hate going to the dentist. Every time I go, he gives me a lecture about how I really need this toothbrush and every time I smile and say, "You're right. Let me sell everything I own so that I can clean in between my teeth a little better." One time, he even gave me an expired coupon. He says, "This won't actually save you any money, but if you stick it somewhere so you'll see it often, maybe you'll remember to go pick one up!" So, I stuck it in my trash can.

Before this last visit, I was really dreading my appointment. I hadn't picked up the $150 toothbrush and he was bound to say something about it. I was about to cancel my appointment and vow to never see him again, when I had the best idea: I was going to trick my dentist. Starting a week before my appointment, I took the time to floss my bottom teeth every day (such a pain in the ass) and I brushed three times a day instead of my usual two. By the time my appointment arrived, my teeth fucking sparkled. Of course, the dentist asked me about my entire life while his hands were in my mouth, but he never said anything about the toothbrush. Then, as I'm walking out the door, he says:

"I'm glad you finally picked up that toothbrush. Your teeth look great."


BOOM, BITCHES.

I tricked a dentist.

If you think about it, I guess it could be said that he tricked me into cleaning my teeth better. But only for two weeks before every dental appointment. So, I still win.

Sincerely,

The Average Person