Lists and Panty Hose

The other day, I was looking through my "notes" on my phone and found one from three months ago labeled, "Stuff I Hate." Intrigued, I opened it and found this:

First, it's "viola," people. It's French. Google that shit. Second, I don't even sort of remember writing this note, but it's completely me. I'm the type of person that hates so many things that I feel the need to make a list. So, I figured I'd continue the list and make a mini-series of sorts. First up: cheaply made panty hose. 

I love panty hose in the winter. With them, I can look cute in a dress and not freeze my ass off. However, I'm a cheapskate. I loathe paying six bucks for panty hose, so I'll go with the cheaper, less durable option. Not any more. 

New Years Eve, I had just the right amount of fun and ruined my good pair of panty hose. So, I had to buy some new ones, but I didn't want to spend "a lot" of cheddar. I found some at Ross for $3. Score! 

I wore them for the first time on Wednesday and within 10 minutes, they were ruined. Literally. I walked out of my apartment and got into my car and somewhere in between there, a huge run found its way onto my panty hose. 

By the end of the day, it was down to my ankle. This kind of stuff only seems to happen to me. Needless to say, I'll start buying the good stuff. 

I hate cheaply made panty hose. 

Sincerely,

The Average Person

Scales

It's January, so everyone is working on their New Years resolutions, right? At least for a few more weeks? Today, I heard a group of women talking about the pounds they would like to shed this year. It was the normal discussion of fad diets and diet pills that really work, when I heard something that struck me. This woman was telling her friends about how she was going to start tracking her weight so she could see her progress at the end. This is reasonable. Then one friend said, "Make sure you weigh yourself in the morning!" And another piped up with, "And do it naked!" The first friend added, "Yeah, you'll weigh the least." The whole group agreed.

I've heard this before. People always talk (and write) about your "real weight" being what you weigh in your birthday suit right when you wake up. This makes absolutely no sense to me. In my opinion, a person's "real weight" is what they weigh on a normal day, eating normal food, in their normal clothes (minus shoes because come on, those things add at least 3 unnecessary pounds). Whose bright idea was it to use the part of the day that you are basically starving as an indicator of what a person really weighs? Granted, anyone is going to feel skinny (or dead) after not eating for 12 hours, but you don't go out and buy clothes based on this absurd "real weight" concept. You try on clothes at any part of the day and buy them for how they fit you at that time. Can you imagine buying a pair of pants a size too small because, "Oh, these will fit me awesomely before I eat breakfast." NO. As a little experiment, I weighed myself at 8AM and again at 8PM. Want to know the difference??

8AM

There was none.

8PM

If you can tear your eyes away from my awkward feet (I put on socks just for you in the second picture), you can see the giant difference in my weight. This actually surprised me because I've done this before and there usually is at least a couple ounces of difference, but nothing really dramatic. The health "experts" make it seem like you are going to throw off your entire weight loss plan if you don't do what they say. Now, notice I also didn't weigh myself naked.

 

1. I'm not ready for the internet to see me naked yet.

2. I'm wearing something I normally wear! On a normal day! For my normal weight!

 

The hair bow adds at least a pound.

See? After tracking your weight like this for a few days, you'll start to have an idea of what you normally weigh with your normal wardrobe. It's so much nicer to have realistic expectations rather than stressing over how soon you'll reach the weight that your body is when it is starving first thing in the morning.



Sincerely,


The Average Person

In the Average Kitchen

 

 

You always see blogs that have these beautiful, elaborate, "easy peasy" meals that their writers create for their readers, but what about the epic failures in the kitchen? You never see those. I want to see more kitchen goof-ups. I mean, total bombs that make you fake a smile for your family while you eat it and your kid gags it up before the end of the meal. That is the picture I want to create here.

 

I made a bomb of a meal last night. I'm a woman, not superwoman. I'm also a mom, and though my son may call me "Batmom," I'm no superhero. That being said, I have no time to screw around in the kitchen and all my meals are either easy, ugly and edible, or total goofs that no one will touch. 

This particular piece-of-shit recipe was a new one. I've never cooked with Spaghetti Squash before, so I thought, hey, I'll give this a shot. The recipe only had 5 ingredients, so there's no fucking that up, right? Wrong. Total failure. 

First, it started out with this mess. You poke holes in the squash and bake it for something like an hour. Then, you cut it open, scoop out the seeds and "easily scrape the insides out with a fork."

 

It got a little ridiculous.

Bullshit. It took a fork, a spoon and a fucking knife to get this shit out. At this point, my son looked at it and said, "What's that?" in a very, "there's no way I'm eating that" tone of voice. In the end, I finally got the squash's guts out and decided that I didn't cook it long enough. 

Next, all you had to do was melt butter in a sauce pan, add garlic, basil and the spaghetti squash.

How delicious....not.

If by the second step you can see how terrible a meal is going to be, common sense says, "just stop." But, obviously, I have little to no common sense. 

 

This doesn't look very appetizing. Let me taste it...yeah, not very appetizing. Whatever, I'll serve it anyway.

And I did. To horrible reviews. I think the exact words my son used were "yuck" and "disgusting." 

Then, the last step of the recipe is to look at your empty plate after you forced down the terrible meal as a good example for your child and realize....you forgot to add the most important ingredient.

So...wait, this meal MIGHT have actually been delicious??

Well, shit.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

The Average Person