The Average Dental Appointment

I'm not huge on going to the dentist. I've never had a cavity and I take good-ish care of my teeth. Well, beginning two years ago, I began going to the dentist regularly. I have many reasons for disliking the dentist's office, one of which is that there is no way that I can engage in small talk with someone's hands in my mouth. I just can't do it. But, really, I hate going to the dentist because my dentist is obsessed with me getting this toothbrush:


The Philips Fucking Sonicare Toothbrush



This is a $90 toothbrush! Ain't no way I'm paying that much for oral care. If you've gathered anything from reading my blog, it should be that I am a giant cheap-ass. Now, the dentist's reasoning is this: I have a permanent retainer behind my bottom front teeth that I've had since I had braces when I was a kid. His argument is that I am not able to clean in between my bottom teeth properly without this $100 toothbrush. And you know what? Maybe he's right. It's a pain in the ass to floss those teeth, so I don't. If the toothbrush wasn't $120, I would probably be all for it. BUT I'M NOT.

So, I hate going to the dentist. Every time I go, he gives me a lecture about how I really need this toothbrush and every time I smile and say, "You're right. Let me sell everything I own so that I can clean in between my teeth a little better." One time, he even gave me an expired coupon. He says, "This won't actually save you any money, but if you stick it somewhere so you'll see it often, maybe you'll remember to go pick one up!" So, I stuck it in my trash can.

Before this last visit, I was really dreading my appointment. I hadn't picked up the $150 toothbrush and he was bound to say something about it. I was about to cancel my appointment and vow to never see him again, when I had the best idea: I was going to trick my dentist. Starting a week before my appointment, I took the time to floss my bottom teeth every day (such a pain in the ass) and I brushed three times a day instead of my usual two. By the time my appointment arrived, my teeth fucking sparkled. Of course, the dentist asked me about my entire life while his hands were in my mouth, but he never said anything about the toothbrush. Then, as I'm walking out the door, he says:

"I'm glad you finally picked up that toothbrush. Your teeth look great."


BOOM, BITCHES.

I tricked a dentist.

If you think about it, I guess it could be said that he tricked me into cleaning my teeth better. But only for two weeks before every dental appointment. So, I still win.

Sincerely,

The Average Person