My tortoise is an asshole.

This is Tuga.





















He is my...ahem, RHM's tortoise. Tuga is an asshole.

He gets SUPER stoked when I walk through the door and tries to climb up the sides of his box to get to me. He makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. He can't wait to see me every day! HE LOVES ME! Then, I feed him and he COMPLETELY ignores me and CHOWS down on his food like some kind of animal. When he's had his fill, he slowly creeps to the corner furthest away from me and sleeps for the rest of the day.

I started to get kind of sensitive about it.

Then, I realized: Tuga's a typical male. Well played, Mother Nature. Well played.


Sincerely,

The Average Person

The Average Fashion Blog

Oh, hi. I wasn't expecting you; how are you? I know, I know, I took a little hiatus while that little human that calls me "mom" healed from his accident. BUT I'M BACK. Lately I've gotten a lot of comments on how fashionable I am and how I should write my own fashion blog post. So, here I am. Okay, so these comments may have come about during a conversation between me and my Pineapple Upside-down Cake cocktail, but I'm going for it, anyway! If I this post is well-received, I may even share my recipe for this delectable cocktail. That's not a bribe, people.

 

SO. It's widely known that the world is a shallow, expensive, materialistic place in which women are forced to look cute at all times or be shunned and put in the "uggo" category. If I had one wish, I'd change that. And no, that's not a Miss America "World Peace" cop out; I seriously wish the world's expectation of women could be changed. But, alas...it can't. So, what I'd like to do is change your expectation for yourself. In my own experience, it almost never matters if I actually look cute...I have to feel cute. So, I make it my goal to feel cute every day, whether it's just wearing a pretty nail polish color or doing my eye shadow differently than normal. Here are the steps in the Average Person's daily "feel cute" routine.

Hair

It's kind of important, right? If you're having a "bad hair day," your whole day will be thrown off. Here are my tips:

1. Start off with a lousy, 4 year-old T shirt to take a picture for your internet blog. The internet's not forever, right??

2. Ignore the first step.

3. Notice that the second step wasn't actually a step and start off with wet hair; right out of the shower.

4. Comb through it. Then wait 30-ish minutes for your hair to dry and viola!

HAIR.

Helpful Hint: If you don't have 30 minutes
to spare, you can also blow dry your hair.

 

 

Make-up

 

Almost as important as hair, make-up can make or break your look. Too much make-up and you could be mistaken for a hooker; too little and you've got people asking if you're sick all day. What do I do, you ask? (It's okay that you didn't ask, I'll tell you anyway)

 

 

 1. Eye liner. Any color, top eyelid only, winged end optional.

      

2. Apply any color(s) eye shadow you'd like and inadvertently pose seductively.

 

3. Apply mascara to top and bottom lashes.

4. Apply whatever the hell color lipstick you want. Lipstick is the KEY to feeling cute.

 

Then pose in your car with Mini Thor!

 

 

 Accessories

Accessorize, people! I don't care if it matches or not. Whatever accessories you love, USE.

Why, yes, I do love this nail color. And not ONLY because it's name has the word "mimosa" in it.

Pinterest has given me way unrealistic expectations of what nails are supposed to look like.

I have weird feet, but my shoes are FAB!

 $10 Ross shoes and $6 Forever 21 sunglasses. The cheaper, the better baby.

Obviously, I can't take a picture like a normal person.

The Whole Package

Let's talk outfits. Now, I made a comment in the accessories section about cheap being GREAT. Society makes us think that more expensive means AWESOME, but that's only sometimes the case. Everything I'm wearing in this section is second hand or bought on sale (or at Ross). Something about me: I will rarely buy any fashion items for full price; I wait for sales (and I shop at Ross). There is NOTHING wrong with that. It's smart! Don't let society trick you into spending a ton of money simply because of a brand. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a knockoff. Unless you're one of those Prada/Gucci/Coach snobs...but, I  highly doubt any of those are reading this blog, ha! Anyway, here is the Average Person in three different CHEAP outfits.

This whole outfit cost me $10.50. The top and shrug are from JC Penny's, the skirt is secondhand from a friend and the chunky necklace was .50 cents at a thrift store!

I got this shirt at Ross for $6 and I picked up the American Eagle shorts at a thrift store for $2!



This is my signature outfit. I have this shirt in EVERY COLOR. $5 at JC Penny's and the shorts were on sale for $9 at a department store in my home town.




 

And there you have it! Now, don't get me wrong. My other signature outfit is an old T shirt and skinny jeans. Your definition of "feeling cute" may be completely different from mine. So, create your own "cute" and feel good about yourself. Size and style be damned. Don't let the media and those scary, skinny models get to you. Be you and your own "cute."


Sincerely,

The Average Person

Conversations with a Mini-Human

My two year-old is pretty quirky. Quirky enough that I think my sweet readers might enjoy his antics as a blog series of sorts. Here's the first conversation with my Red-Headed Mess:

AP: Okay, let's put your-

RHM: SHORTS ON!!

AP: Hey! Look at us, finishing each others'-

RHM: SHIRTS!

AP: ....maybe not.



Sincerely,

The Average Person (AP)

Tragically, Traumatically Anti-Climactic

Ever had a day that began as increasingly intense and traumatic, but ended as tragically anti-climactic? I have entirely too many of those days. However, I will write briefly about the one I had yesterday:

 Yesterday began as any other day...actually, no, it didn't. Yesterday morning my Red-Headed Mess (hereafter known as "RHM") came home from a night at his grandmother's house. Something about RHM's immediate behavior told me that the day would be an interesting one. It may have been that he began running laps around my apartment while dragging along his rolling Go, Diego! Go! suitcase as soon as he burst through the door.
 But, who knows? Anyway, after an invigorating morning of chasing my offspring around my apartment and an unsuccessful after-lunch nap, we were offered a way to get out of the apartment. Let me start by saying that yesterday was apparently one of the "hottest days of the year" with a lovely temperature of 100 degrees...at 8PM. So, at 2PM there was NO way we were leaving the apartment unless wherever we were going involved water. Which is exactly what my buddy, HerMighty Danger, had to offer: adults on the covered porch, kiddos in the sprinkler. An outlet for RHM's nonstop energy and adults for me to talk to?? I'M IN. So, I threw RHM into his Spiderman swim trunks and hauled ass to Danger's house. Once we were there, it was a grand ol' time for about 30 minutes. Then the incident happened. It was like slow motion. RHM was running down the sidewalk toward Danger's daughter. He was wet. The sidewalk was wet. BAM. RHM down, I repeat, RHM down.

I saw it happen and, really, I actually foresaw it happening the moment RHM's fat little foot hit the pavement mid-run. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm psychic. NBD. Anyway, RHM slipped and twisted his ankle. It looked really painful and, man, did he let me know it. We sat together while he bawled and I iced his ankle and called the nurse and EMT in my life. The consensus was to just give it some time because it really didn't seem broken...it was most likely just a sprain. So, we packed up and left, effectively ruining the festivities at HerMighty Danger's. Now, let's be clear; RHM is the toughest kid I know when it comes to tripping or otherwise hurting himself. The longest he cries when he falls is about 5 minutes. Long story short, due to RHM writhing on my bed and screaming in pain, I took the kid to the ER despite all my resolutions to never go to the ER again every time I go.

From the moment we stepped foot into the ER, RHM began flipping out. It's like he knew. The next two hours consisted of terrified screams, waiting around, and yelling "don't touch me!" "I don't want to watch TV!" and "I want to go home!"

My kid was pretty upset, too.

Anyway, after some very traumatic x rays, some even more traumatic x ray retakes, and more waiting, the doctor finally saw us. The result?? A sprain. LIKE I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. They gave RHM some Tylenol and sent us on our way. Once we got out of the ER, RHM was perfectly happy. No crying. No screaming. Of course, he still can't walk on it, but it was still very anti-climactic. Now, I am very thankful that RHM didn't have any broken bones, but do you see what I mean about the day building in intensity and then coming to an abrupt halt by ending in RHM and I enjoying ice cream together...?

Life is crazy.

Sincerely,

The Average Person.


UPDATE: The kid has a fracture! Long story short, the ER messed up big time and MISSED a fracture. RHM is in a full leg-length cast for at least the next two weeks and he's totally bummed about it. So, I guess it turned out to be just tragically traumatic...not so much anti-climactic. Well...maybe a little.

Is the Average Person Badass Enough for Roller Derby?

What's the most badass sport a girl can participate in? That's right, roller derby. A group of badass women playing a sport that makes them tough and sweaty. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

It just so happens that my hometown has a roller derby team. The team is fairly new as the league started in August 2012 and began participating in bouts (DerbySpeak for games, matches, etc) in April 2013. The team is called the "Kerr'Ella De'Villes" - it's an adorable play on the name of my hometown along with the badassery of the puppy-skinning character that instills fear in the heart of every person's 5 year-old self. 

KCRD Logo. Seriously? SO badass. 

The Kerr County Roller Derby league was started by Pink Tink (Alonna Richey) who had previous experience with a Corpus Christi league. Pink Tink started the league basically because my town has NOTHING TO DO. Okay, that's not true, but there really is very little for women to participate in that doesn't include booze or babies. Or both. Thus, the Kerr'Ella De'Villes were born.

This is my pal, Hermighty Danger (Kathryn Dover).



                                  

I know what you're thinking.
DIZ-AMN, those are some photo-licious skillz.


 

She's pretty cool. I remember going to her house while she was watching Whip It and talking about how she wanted to be on a roller derby team. Next thing I know, Hermighy Danger was in business. The ass kicking business.
















Anyway, because of Hermighty Danger, I was able to observe these wicked cool ladies at one of their practices. Now, readers, these practices ain't nothing to mess with. The scheduled times are 6PM to 9PM on Mondays and Thursdays and consist of off-skate exercises, on-skate exercises, countless drills, skating practice and scrimmages. If you're thinking about joining KCRD, let me start off by saying that roller derby is not for weaklings. I mean, you don't have to be strong in the beginning, but you have to have stamina and determination. My first question about roller derby was about how often people get hurt...because I'm a baby. However, my informant told me that hardcore breaks and injuries really aren't that common. In fact, KCRD has only had two broken ankles since August 2012. What are more common are sprained ankles or hurt knees that get worse because the player just won't let the injury keep her on the bench (I told you they were badasses). So, in my opinion, roller derby is just like any other contact sport in that it is entirely possible for minor injuries to occur, but as long as you let the injury heal properly, you won't be permanently benched.

My next question was about MONEY...because I am a cheap-skate (GET IT?!). Hermighty Danger told me that roller derby has the potential to be expensive, but that it is worth it. I was told that what most girls are recommended to do is buy a "starter pack" which includes skates, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, a helmet and sometimes a mouth guard. Now, this starter pack can be around 300 bucks a pop, but I'm told that it will last a long time. Eventually, you will want to upgrade and customize your gear, but the starter pack is great for beginners! Each player also pays $40 in dues each month to cover the rent for the team's facility and other costs that may arise.

I also had questions regarding how to actually play the game and my informant gave me very detailed information that I couldn't recreate if I tried. So, I'll summarize: there is a lot of fast skating, blocking while skating, and scoring points while skating. The cool thing about KCRD is that you don't have to know how to play! Or even skate! They will teach you the rules, give you tips on skating, and encourage you every step of the way. How cool, right? The thing is that they need reliable girls to play on their team. So, the question of the hour: are you badass enough join a roller derby team? YES! KCRD needs players, non-skating officials, referees, and any kind of volunteer that you can think of. Even if you're too afraid to skate or too broke, you can still help out!

Want to join? Do this: "like" Kerr County Roller Derby on Facebook, message them and tell them you're interested. They will let you know where and when to attend a practice so that you can observe the practice and meet all the girls. Everyone is super friendly and ready to accept new girls into their team. The only real requirements are the dues and gear mentioned above and players have to attend 80% of practices each month. Seriously, check these ladies out. Even if you have a medical condition that you think might keep you from playing, message the team and they'll let you know for sure.

Not sure that roller derby is for you? That's fine! The resource these girls need the most is support. Watch a bout or a practice. Once you find them on Facebook, you can see all the information about upcoming bouts. In fact, their next bout is in Corpus Christi on July 5th. You can also purchase KCRD merch to support the team:

Shirts:$15. Stickers:$3.

 "It's freakin' fun!! I think everyone should at least WATCH a practice or bout. Once you understand it, you realize how much fun it is! It has seriously kept some of our girls from drinking everyday or from depression. You get exercise and you gain a whole new, awesome family! Everything is worth a try. I am glad I am doing this. It is one of the best things I have ever done." -KCRD member



 

These ladies are a BLUR on their skates.

 

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

The Average Person 

 



How to get over your breakup

If you're anything like me, you probably wound up on this page after entering this exact phrase into your search engine of choice. And if you're anything like me, you may or may not be sobbing and sputtering something about a "last ditch effort" while clutching some gift that your ex gave you years ago, trying to make yourself break it. Or, you may be nothing like me and were simply curious. Either way, stop sobbing, put the gift down (why break it when you can SELL it??), and pay attention. I have some valuable information for you.

First, let me establish my credibility by saying that I glean my experience from numerous breakups, each uglier than the last, but with each one, I bounce back a little bit faster. Want to know my secret? OF COURSE YOU DO. In order to get over someone, I follow a simple list of rules:

Rule #1: KEEP BUSY.
Seriously, idle minds THINK and OVERTHINK and THINK some more. If you think too much about your breakup, it just makes you depressed and, honestly, a complete drag to be around. I read somewhere that a woman should have at least three hobbies that don't involve looking at a screen. This is excellent advice because not only will these hobbies keep your mind off your breakup, it will also make you an interesting person. And when you are finally over the loser who dumped you (or that you dumped), you are going to want to be interesting in order to catch the eye of someone new (that is, if you haven't completely sworn off dating, yet). So, whether it's painting, Civil War reenacting, or tennis - find a hobby and get religious about it

Rule #2: EXERCISE
Because endorphins or some shit.
No, really. I don't care if you are Carey CouchPotato and have never set foot in a gym in your entire life, if you want to get over a breakup and feel GOOD about yourself while doing it, get on board with this rule. Whether it's an in-home elliptical or a run around the block, exercise will make you feel empowered and all around kick-ass. The plus side is that along with the endorphins there is also possible weight loss or toning that will happen and will make you feel great about yourself physically. Great for your health AND great for your self-esteem? Get off the damn couch, Carey. You'll thank me later.

Rule #3: FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU
Most friends are on your side after a breakup (if not, add "GET NEW FRIENDS" to your list) and when they see that you're down about it, they will usually try to cheer you up (see previous parentheses). So, find that friend who is brutally honest and let him/her tell you what's up. Once you hear about how lousy the ex really was from someone else's perspective, you'll start to believe it, too. If they're a GREAT friend, they will also tell you to stop blubbering and get on with your life. You'll resent it right when they say it, but it'll kick you in the ass and give you the drive to pick up your shit and move forward.

Rule #4: DRESS TO IMPRESS
There's a saying somewhere that says something about always dressing like you're going to run into an old enemy or a new love. It's for real. Not only does dressing nicely allow you to avoid running into your ex looking like you've just escaped a crypt, it also does wonders for your self-esteem. There's some statistic out there about looking good directly correlating with feeling good about yourself, but I'm too lazy to look it up. So, take my word for it because it's true. Sure, it's a pain in the ass to put on a nice shirt and heels to go to the grocery store, or a cute dress and flats to get your tires rotated, or whatever makes you feel like you look nice to go wherever the hell you're planning on going...it gives you a small ego boost and that, seriously, is the best medicine. Another note: Lipstick. Trust, bitch, it's like magic; you automatically feel Angelina Jolie sexy no matter what you're wearing.

Rule #5: CELEBRATE SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Allow yourself to get excited about not thinking about your breakup or refraining from driving past your ex's place of work or residence (seriously, stop that) and reward yourself with ice cream or a new nail polish. You've gone 2 weeks without thinking about him or contacting him? 2 minutes? GO YOU! There is no sarcasm here, that's a fucking accomplishment. Treat it as such.

Rule #6: CREATE AN EMPOWERING PLAYLIST
Laugh it up, but when I play Destiny's Child's "Survivor" or "Independent Woman" my confidence levels go through the roof. Find your magical playlist and play the shit out of it.

Now, we come to the last rule and the most important one :

Rule #7: STAY AWAY FROM HIM/HER
I mean this one. No calls. No texts. No Tweets. NADA. Communication with the person who has hurt you will undo ALL of the work that you've put in by following the previous 6 rules. I don't care if you've known each other for 20 years and you've made a pact to "stay friends," do not contact your ex. If it's too tempting to see their Facebook or Twitter account, hide them. If you see them regularly, like if you work with them or if you have the same friend group (which, that will be a whole different blog post: DON'T DATE YOUR FRIENDS. OR YOUR COWORKERS) then just don't associate with them closely. There are ways to avoid being close with your coworkers or awkward ex-friends; utilize them. This is the hardest rule because I know how hard it is to refrain from telling an ex off or dumping your feelings bucket on them every time you think about them. However, it is BY FAR the most important rule to follow. Will power and the desire to feel better about yourself has to pull you through this one. Communicating with an ex just prolongs the process of getting over the relationship; it will either make you yearn for the ex or make you hella angry at him/her - both extend the amount of time it will take you to get over the breakup. Instead, be silent. If he/she texts you, don't text back. If he/she calls, let it go to voicemail and don't call back. Make them wonder what you're doing, but never actually tell them. Work on picking yourself back up and leave the ex in the dust behind you.

So, there you have it! My simple list of rules to get over a breakup. I will warn you, this process is NOT easy and, depending on the length of the relationship and the intensity of your feelings, it could take a while. But don't give up. If you break a rule, don't beat yourself up and give up on the process, just shake it off and try again.
Now, do one thing for me: roll your shoulders back, hold your head up and take a deep breath. We are survivors and we ARE going to make it.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

The Average Person

Phone Phiasco

I think this particular predicament is a perfect follow-up to my first post. Let me start by saying that I am the cheapest person alive; I am very careful with my money and I never buy things that I don't need. Don't worry, I'll try not to bore you with all of the ways that I save money (unless someday someone requests to know my awesome secrets), but that fact about me is important to know as I describe this situation. That being said, I decided to purchase a new cell phone. Now, deciding which cell phone out of the thousands that are out there is in and of itself a difficult task. After weeks of annoying all of my friends with questions about their phones and countless nights of browsing the web for reviews, I finally decided on an Android phone. Next, it was time for me to scour the internet to search for the best deal - here's where it gets tricky. If you go with new, you deal with the outrageous prices, but if you go used, there are so many things that have to be taken into consideration. For example, if I buy used, I run the risk of possibly getting a crappy phone that will work for a few months and then die a horrible death, or possibly getting a crappy phone that is in crappy physical condition, or possibly getting a crappy phone that someone stole and therefore cannot be activated. OR, all of the above. Of course, my change saving brain says, "But, it's cheap, AP*. Just go for it!" My response? "OKAY!"
*AP = Average Person. Clever, isn't it?
Let me take a second to write about my cell phone service. It's dirt cheap, it's no-contract, it runs off of a larger carrier, but you have to pay full price for the phone and it has to be strictly this carrier's phone. I say that to say that I found a phone that was a good price from a different carrier, but it was the exact same phone, so I figured it would work fine. I bought it and tried to activate it, only to be told that, even though it was the exact same cellular device, I couldn't activate the phone. That really wasn't that bad, though, I ended up making a profit when I sold it the next day. The search began again.
I finally find a seller on a known online marketplace that sells the phone that I like for rock bottom prices, and they have auctions for them ending every hour. Perfect! I finally win one after at least 5 assholes bid-blocked me (see what I did, there?) with a huge offer WITH ONLY FOUR SECONDS REMAINING. Did you catch that? Let me break it down for you: I spent right around 6 hours trying to save 40 bucks on a cell phone. Pathetic? Nooo. Had I actually been successful in making this phone my bitch, it would have been worth it, but it gets better. I receive the phone in two days (awesome) and take my lunch at work early so I can go get it from my mailbox. I try activating it on my own. Fail. So, I call in and "successfully" activate the phone, but it won't let me place calls. I call back and the operator tells me that I just have to wait 4 hours for it to work. That's okay, I'm at work, anyway. Four hours go by and I still cannot use my phone for its intended use: communication. I call my carrier again and am told that I should take it to one of the stores because they cannot activate it unless I do. This is a little frustrating because the only store that could help me is across town and Mini-AP (my son) has a doctors appointment right before they close. Long story short, I book it to the store with a cranky kid in tow, only to learn that the phone is unusable. Can't be activated.
"Okay," I think to myself, "I'll just return this phone and activate my old one until I can purchase another phone."
Sounds like a great plan, right? Wrong. My carrier only lets you "swap" phones once every few days or something.

 

A few days later, I finally had my old phone connected again and I had purchased another phone. This time (I'll never learn), it's been a week since I've ordered and the phone hasn't even shipped yet. I contacted the seller and she tells me that she is waiting on her phone to come in before she ships mine out. I reminded her that as a seller she agrees to ship the item within two business days and, while I'm okay with waiting, it would be nice of her to expedite my shipping. She says she'll do it "if she has the money to." I'll definitely get my cell phone by this weekend, right? RIGHT???


Probably not. Ultimate phone phiasco.


Sincerely,

The Average Person